Amorphous Confession #1

           Hushed whispers, my spine began to shiver, legs to my neck escaped by a giggle of secret laughs. Oh, this hide and seek we called love. I wish this could last for a lifetime.



           His hands danced to my bare legs, travelling to reach my cheeks, running his thumb to my skin like I am a porcelain doll of the 1700’s in Japan. Cracked by age, fragile, wrong touch and I can fall apart. “I love you.” his voice in a rushed monotone— dead yet deadly.

           “I love you too.” pronouncing them feels like a stranger to my tongue.

           He pulled me into him, our flesh caressing, colliding into each other and I, once again drained by the consequences and regrets I have to face every millisecond he’s near to me. “Your heart to mine, my heart to yours.” he chuckles like a child, excited. I let the air drop around us, letting the silence be the noise in our room behind the curtains. I carefully held his hand, pasting them to my mine. I allow my lips to dip in his knuckles, savoring every moment. This little sand caged in a glass we called time is running out. I couldn’t picture the night illustrated tonight, for my eyes starts to dip its crystal, running them to face like a waterfall. I can’t stop it. Help me.

           “Oh no, no, no, baby…” he licked my face upward and kissed my eyes.

           “Let me guess, you had peanut butter and jelly for dinner.”

           “Oh my gosh! How did you guessed that?” acting his surprised face want me to make contact with his cherry lips.

           I pinched his cheeks, forcing a smile “Stop acting, your awful mouth told me, it smells.”

           Embracing me, I feel like whole again, piece by piece, I am getting better and better, a new me, a chance. But no, as I am getting whole again, I am broking piece by piece, falling apart like debris. “Why can’t we be like that?” his question is like a punch in the gut.

           “Like what?”

           “Like the others. Normal. Happy, contented couple.” the couple word feels like an ice piercing me, oh William, I wish I knew too.

           “You know that we can’t…” my voice falters, I closed my eyes, holding the tears pushing to be get rid of my eyes. “ like that, William.” those words to be out is like handing him a grenade with no option to throw it away because the timer is already at the 00:00, and he have no choice but to be a part of victim of it.

           “I wish we can be like that.”

           “I am yours, you know that.”

           “And I can’t accept this is happening to you, to us.”

           “I am in love with you”

           His lips dipped into mine, ours fits so perfectly. “So do I, Mare.”

           “Do you trust me?”  his head tilted to the side, taking the question with him. I guess he knows what I am about to say.

           “I want you to be happy William.”

           “And I want you to keep on fighting, for us.” his hand reached into my chin, forcing me to face him— and I can’t. Not anymore.

           “I… tried that, you know that. I keep on trying, and trying, and trying. I just… can’t do this anymore.” my eyes began to cry itself. I have no control or power anymore to force it to pull away.

           “You said you love me” his voice breaks. Please don’t do this to me William.

           “I do.”

           “You love me enough to let the ‘us’ go.” his eyes I always admire, sparkling and dancing to the hues of blue and green is now painted by the shades of red.

           It took me a minute to answer, to make myself in steel authority, no room for questions.



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